family, marriage, relentless journey

Hope, An Anchor

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[Now] we have this [hope] as a sure and steadfast anchor of the soul [it cannot slip and it cannot break down under whoever steps out upon it—a hope] that reaches farther and enters into [the very certainty of the Presence] within the veil.” HEBREWS 6:19 (amplified)

‘It cannot slip and it cannot break down under whoever steps out upon it-a hope.’ No single verse has brought me more comfort than this one over the past couple of years. This idea of hope, if we let it sink in, is a powerful one. No matter our circumstance, no matter what we deem ourselves worthy of, no matter what we can or cannot do in our own strength, no matter what dreams have been unfulfilled, and no matter what stands in our way, we still have hope if we are in Christ.

Personally, I’ve been in a very transitional and at times hard to navigate season of life. Chad and I have relocated three times now in our seven years of marriage, our most recent move bringing us back to Nashville. This city has always had a special place in our hearts as it is where we met and were married. A different story for a different day, but after our first round in Nashville, we moved on for a short stay in Dallas, then headed out west to San Diego for five years.

In my experience, transitions have been equal parts exciting and challenging, and though I have matured with each one, they never seem to get easier. For every exciting breath of new adventure, comes a sentimental reminder of what was left behind. Establishing a new home and fostering genuine relationships take time, energy, and patience, but seeing something build from the ground up over time is rewarding. All this to say, we absolutely love calling Nashville home and have met some amazing people here. It truly is a special place and, though I hesitate to say anything with too much assurance, I suspect we have found a place to put down some deeper roots.

Chad and I have a home just south of downtown that we have grown to love. We have already made some great memories that look much like friends around dinner table sharing life and plenty of laughter. We have found our home to be full more than not with out of town guests, and I have never found so much joy in changing sheets and preparing for the next of those to come. These times are so cherished, but truth be told, there is something missing. We have had a strong desire to grow our family for some time now, but just hasn’t happened for us yet. It has been long enough to power through times holding tightly to hope, only to give way to momentary despair. It has been painful enough to feel as real of heart ache that I have in my short time here on earth. At times it has been lonely and all but stolen my joy. Frankly, it has been a humbling reminder that we don’t always have as much control as we would like to think.

In the midst of all of this I have been learning that we need to acknowledge these things that hurt before they can ever get better.  They are real and they matter to God. But what I have learned is that it’s not healthy to stay there. It breeds bitterness, and that leaks out into our lives and our relationships. When days are tough, I cling to this truth. God is the same yesterday, today and forever. He is he same on the mountain and in the valley. He is the true source of this hope. Sure and steadfast.  

I should back up and say that I have put off hitting publish on this post for far too long. Sharing this goes against every fiber of my being and frankly it is terrifying to put myself out there. But I’m doing this solely because I haven’t been able to shake the calling to create this space. A space to come and be heard and to feel safe to share.

If you are here reading this, I trust you will take good care of these words and understand that this is so personal. If you are reading this and you are going through similar struggles, then please hear me, you are understood and you are not alone. If you are reading this, please come back, because this is not about me or about garnering sympathy. It’s about gathering and getting to a place where we can feel a little less alone, regardless of what we are going through. It’s about allowing others to share. It’s about the people on the mountain tops reaching down and embracing the people in the valley. It’s about grace and mercy and spreading hope.  

I said before and I truly believe that there is so much more to be gained in the sharing the whole of our lives. It may not look like publishing your words on a blog. It may look a lot more like sitting across from a friend and sharing your heart and a good amount of laughter. For that, there is no replacement. But I believe we gather courage in places like this. There is something special that happens when you first know you’re not alone.

As in all of our stories, this is just one small piece of mine. Though it may be what I am writing now, I hold tight knowing it is only but a chapter. It may feel like winter now, but I hold fast that what may seem barren in the winter is merely preparation for a bloom in the spring. I cling to God’s relentless love. I may not know what the future holds, but I can have hope. Sure and steadfast. An anchor for my soul.