Kids, marriage, relentless journey

Flying Into Mixed Emotions

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Chad and I moved from San Diego to Nashville nearly two years ago to date. There is still a piece of that magical city on the pacific that holds our hearts. We spent five years of our lives there and still cherish the bonds we have formed with family and friends. In some ways, it feels like years have passed, and in other ways it feels like it was just yesterday we packed our things to move.

As I type this at 30,000 feet I take some time to reflect back on our time in San Diego and our past two years in Nashville. Though I head out West with great anticipation to hug some loved ones and catch up on what has been missed, I will be honest, it is all met with mixed emotions. Life has a way of forging ahead at different speeds. As I sit here typing, foot loose and fancy free, though I am thankful for peace and quiet, I long for the day that Chad and I will pay our yearly visit with a little one in tow. And though life has been rich beyond what I could ever ask in so many ways, there is part of me that says it’s not enough. There is a piece of my heart that is restless about facing these people I hold dear, many of whom have children I will be meeting for the first time. There’s that nagging voice that, though I find rest right where I am at, will tell me that I’m not far enough along.

What I have found is that even though our lives progress at different rates, my feelings are not unique. I have a variety of friends in all different phases of life. Single, married, kid(s), even divorced. Each phase of life comes with different questions, hopes and fears. One is not better than the other and the “next phase” may meet you with answers only to beg more questions. The lesson I’ve learned? Embrace where you are at, learn as much as you can from the next, and pour into the previous. And most importantly, God loves you where you are at. That means right now.

The fact is, I hate seeing faces that don’t know what to say. All I have to say is, “it’s ok, really.” Though there is a big “yet to be determined”, I’m doing just fine. In fact, I’m grateful, even at peace. Where I am even today is by little doing of my own. I’m hopeful and seeing some great signs of a good future. A few days here and there I would tell you otherwise, but I count those days as loss.

The truth is, when I step outside myself, there is no way I could have dreamed Chad coming into my life. We are now married almost 8 years, and I can say, it’s never been better. We still bicker at times and spend days apart, but goodness I cherish him. Good times and bad. We said those words when we were young and we had no clue what they would mean. I’m certain we still don’t. But when I have moments of doubt, I know what we have is more than enough.

So as I face times like this, I would say, really, it’s OK. My faith is rooted deeply in the Lord. It doesn’t mean I don’t take responsibility or I don’t believe in our medical system. Both are gifts. It doesn’t mean that there are days that aren’t flat out hard. I do believe that God’s timing doesn’t always match up to ours. And painful as that may be at times, in the hardest possible way, I have learned it is better. We long to be in God’s will, for His timing, but we grab for control when it doesn’t match our calendar.

I hope this encourages you as you may be facing “what if’s” or “has not been”. Whatever they may look like. I’m here to tell you, truthfully, “God does not forsaken you or abandon you.” Ever. As I face my friends and family, even with mixed emotions, I will choose to know that my God is bigger than all of it. He is hope and he cancels out our fear.

Where are you at today? What are you dreaming of and what has yet to come to pass. Your story is real, and KNOW it matters.