marriage, Personal, Portraits, Reflective, RELATIONSHIPS, relentless journey

On Embracing The Tension Of Seasons

Screen Shot 2016-04-01 at 2.28.12 PM

This morning I received the text I had been dreading all week from my friend Krysta reading, “where’s that blog post sucka?” To which I replied with emojis because that is much better than using my words, “I’m still putting it off. Because I’m scared.”

The truth is I have written, revised, erased, rewritten (REPEAT, REPEAT, REPEAT) this post so many times that I felt I have somehow missed my chance. I have kind of just hoped this season would just pass and I could go on my marry way. And for many other reasons I have been scared to hit publish.

I have been afraid that it wouldn’t be received well. That somebody would mistake it as a passive aggressive attempt to send a message. That perhaps that may even be the case. That I may be harboring resentment I didn’t even see. That my single friends would see it as insensitive. That my busy mom friends may be dying for the amount of time I have on my hands. That people are facing things so much bigger than this and how dare I be so bold as to call out pain of my circumstances. That it would appear I just don’t have enough faith. That I would somehow, some way hurt somebody’s feelings. Because, lets face it, being an adult and going through different seasons at different times can feel isolating and full of tension. (Oh the woes of an empathetic heart.)

But people like Krysta refuse to let me stay stuck. You see what I like about her is that she is equal parts hard ass (sorry for the word choice…if you knew her, she would be proud of this description) and compassion, with a healthy does of self awareness. She has a good sense of when to wear each hat and just won’t let me get off on this one. I have a love/hate relationship with the Krystas in my life. But without them, I would surly reside inside my head until the end of my days. And let me tell you, it’s not often a vacation up there!

What had actually been happening is that I was letting fear strip away a thick skin of faith, and stop me from stepping into this tension and to speak to it with some authority. I have always felt I needed to, in some way, give an answer, to land the plane, or to button it up nicely at the end. But perhaps, a good start would be to open up an honest discussion. Perhaps in lieu of an answer I simply need to be honest about how I feel and ask of you the same.

The truth of the matter is that if you have ever been, or are currently in a season of waiting on something, anything, then you can relate. We all have barren parts of our lives and just because they don’t look the same doesn’t mean they don’t feel strikingly similar at the core. And often times they don’t look pretty or feel particularly safe and comfortable.

————–

So, I’ll go first. This past Easter Sunday I sat next to Chad in church wrestling with the reality that we are Resurrection Sunday people living in a Good Friday world. We live in the tension of knowing Jesus has died and rose again, paid the debt for our sin, and that one day we will reside in a home that knows no pain. But until then, we live in a world full of it on every level imaginable. And we live knowing that it will never change until one way or another Jesus has the final say. Talk about tension. David Crowder has a line in a song that wrecks me every time, “Earth has no sorrow that heaven can’t heal.” But until heaven…

Chad and I moved to Nashville three years ago Easter Sunday. Recently we have made some huge changes in our life with Chad leaving his job. A lot has happened in three years, good, bad and in between. Life, right? But I would be lying if I didn’t say that part of my reflection this past Sunday as I sat in church, was the fact that I still have the same hope and prayer that I had three years ago.

We took communion on Sunday. Chad and I grabbed the bread and the juice and made our way back to our chairs. As we sat down, he asked to pray together. We shared a powerful, honest, tear filled moment. One in which we faced a desire that had not yet been met to have children. One where we said at times we had both lost hope. One where we had admitted our own delays in finding out all the answers we need because of fear of the unknown. One of letting time pass as we pursued other things. One in which we knew that this may just not be about us at all. One where we cried out to a Sovereign God who doesn’t operate on our calendar. One of repentance and one of renewed hope.

In that moment I felt a sense of peace like I hadn’t in a long time. “Cast your cares upon the Lord, and He will sustain you.” (Psalm 55:22). Cast your cares. Or for that matter your burdens, fears, struggles, sin, shame and anything else that may be weighing you down. Cast them upon the Lord, and say them out loud to others. That is what Chad and I did in the moment and what I am hoping to do here.

For too long I held myself back from saying a lot of this out loud. And for what? Fear of the unknown. But something happens when you speak something out loud. Sure you can be misunderstood, but what if you could just be understood, heard, valued and related to. I always hold to the fact that we are all a lot more alike at the core than we are different. I think most of us are trying to get this thing called life right. After all, we’re all in it together.

So now it’s your turn. What tensions are you currently facing or have you faced in the past that you could share? What do you need to speak out loud? What can I be praying for you about? Feel free to comment or email me if it’s more personal. My hope is that we can all be heard, and even understood.